"Greater Than My Statistic"

I remember reading a story a few months after my brother past. I believe it was written by a mother who lost her son. In the story that she wrote, she talked about how she wished she could have a button, you know like one of those that parents wear with their kids sports picture in it, she wished she could have one that said “ My son just died”. In this last year I have on many occasions wish I could have a button that said “My brother died”. I wish I could have that button so I don’t  have to explain to friends why all the sudden my mood had changed. Why I had gone from just enjoying a happy moment to being sad or withdrawn. I wish I could say “I was happy, I was enjoying that moment but then grief came in and said: you know your brother would love this” the thing is I don’t want to explain it, but I wanted an explanation. At times I’d also like to have a button that says “ my brother died” because I’d like to just scream it sometimes. I want and need people to remember that “ hey t

A year ago my life changed forever. I’m not that same person anymore. I miss that person I was before “it” happened. I miss the person who could lay down and actually sleep at night, who could have a good memory that wasn’t clouded by a deep sadness and sense of loss. When you lose someone traumatically, or unexpected or “ too soon” there are lots of things that change. The person you once were is no longer there. You have to find the “ new you” this new person is foreign and so unfamiliar. You will both love her and hate her. You will hate the heaviness, grief, guilt, and unbearable sadness that come with her. You will hate her for this new cloud that follows this “new you” around. Everywhere. Literally everywhere. In the good times the most. The seemly small moments that you start to feel a sense of joy in... then BAM. This new you shows through and thinks “ Wow my lost loved one would love this”. From there it’s just a spiral of emotions all over again. You will also love her at t

Grief. For a 5 letter word is can wreck havoc and destroy lives in a way one can’t really explain. And that’s the thing, you can’t explain it. You could be experiencing the same pain and loss as the person closest to you and yet you could still be— and most likely are—- in complete opposite places.  But then again, what do I know. I am right smack dab in the “eye” of grief at this very second.   “Forever 22”  On October 27 th , 2018 my life was completely changed forever.  The person I was before that day is no longer there. I was changed in so many ways that I still don’t know all the ways I was changed or even know who this new person I am being forced into becoming is.  The thing was it seemed like a semi normal day. Nothing to out of the ordinary, I had one of my  younger brother’s (Jordan) visiting from Florida. My family, and I took him to a local orchard, We got apples, donuts, and frozen cider slushees. Normal. We went out to lunch and ate a mundane, typical lunch. L

Hey y’all! Thanks for taking the time to check out my blog. I am just an ordinary girl trying to do what I can to make it through this life in one piece. After experiencing a deeply traumatic and life changing loss. I was encouraged by a close family friend and confident to start this blog. She thought It could help be an outlet for me and help in navigating this season of life I am in right now. At first this seemed pretty laughable. I truly don’t feel like I am very eloquent with my words, nor do I feel like I have much to offer anyone, I don’t have this life thing figured out, and I don’t know what I am doing 110% of the time. But if I can help just one person navigate through their grief and still come out on the other side some what whole (even if that one person is me) Than I guess it’s worth a shot.  I am pretty much just me. I have struggles and I have flaws. I am not a perfect Mom and if I’m not a perfect mom I’m even farther from being a perfect wife. If I’m bein